You've Changed

Reflections 8

You’ve Changed

So thoroughly and sincerely are we compelled to live, reverencing our life, and denying the possibility of change. This is the only way, we say; but there are as many ways as there can be drawn radii from one centre. All change is a miracle to contemplate; but it is a miracle which is taking place every instant. 

Thoreau

“You’ve changed.” 

To say that these words, spoken by my wife Val as I was exiting the car in our driveway, took me by surprise would be understating it. Thinking back now, some fifteen years later, Val's insight was unexpected yes, but it was also an affirmation. She had said out loud what I already knew but had failed to consciously acknowledge to myself. I had undergone a profound, life altering experience.

The year was 1998 and I had just returned from my first Buddhist retreat. Having never experienced anything like it before, I had no idea what I was getting into. I really had no exposure to Buddhist teachings other than what I’d read. Time on the cushion had been sporadic and of short duration. But I yearned for more and a brief search on the internet turned up this retreat which, incidentally, was quite close to Bancroft. I only knew that the topics which were the basis of the retreat, the Buddhist concept of sunyata, somewhat simplistically defined as emptiness, and its relationship to space and the cosmos were enough to convince me to take the plunge. 

...

On the final day, as I was placing my luggage in the car and the other participants were gathering to close out the week, I had a sudden and irresistible urge to get in the car and head for home. The thought of that final gathering held no appeal for me. In fact, I had this notion that it might detract from the state of elation I was experiencing. If I simply got in the car that very moment and drove off, I knew I could carry the mood with me. 

My memory of the drive home, although lacking in details, stood in stark contrast to the drive up which was coloured with apprehension and uncertainty about the upcoming week. And now, here I was relaxed and filled with pure joy, a changed person. The next clear memory I have was of exiting the car in our driveway, looking up to see Val coming out to greet me and hearing those words.

...

Fast forward to 2002 and there I was, immersed in nature, experiencing almost daily that same feeling of wonder and awe. I am reminded that those experiences were transformative, that they initiated in me a change in the way I experienced the world, a change in my place in the grand scheme of things. Imagine the possibilities. If one week had brought about such a noticeable change what might happen when I was actually living it every day?

The major difference was that this time I had only one teacher, nature herself, omnipresent, her influence dependent only on my willingness to maintain an open mind and an un-critical acceptance of her offerings.